I don’t know if I could tell you when it happened, what caused it, or even why. And I don’t know if it happened all at once, or if it was a slow ascension back up from the pits of hell. I just suddenly realized the agony was gone, and when I opened my eyes, I was back among the living.
I talk a lot about brokenness on here, and about emotions, and the struggles in life that just rock us to our cores. And a big reason for that is, it’s relevant. Everyone has been there, IS there, or is on their way there. One trap we often find ourselves in is that by the time we realize something’s not right, we’re already in a free fall. And we fall because we walk around for too long with our eyes closed.
Something I have wrestled with for years is the voice of God condemning me. Why would He help me with this when I can’t even do that? I wasn’t good enough. I didn’t deserve love or forgiveness. Somehow, I was the worst of the worst of the worst. There was nobody lower than me. For a long time, I hated myself to the point where I created this self-destruct button, of sorts. I could push it when I wanted to escape. After pressing it so many times, I noticed a pattern. I couldn’t understand why, but I knew it was true: God never let me go. Somehow, no matter how deeply I fell, He made sure I could grab onto the hem of His garment just in time. Even when I didn’t want to, He would somehow pull me back up.
We have to first come to a mutual understanding of John 1:1, that ALL things were created through the Word, by the Word, and that Word became flesh to dwell among us. If all things are created through Him, that stands to includes love. And love is crazy, messed-up, wonderful, and blind… beautifully blind… all at once. If love weren’t blind, and it had the capacity to keep record of wrongs and failures, all of our falls would end with a crash landing.
But we grab on. We hold on. We fight another day. And if a day is too long, we aim for hours. I’ve been there when even that was too much, and then you just have to take one breath at a time. We have to take it slow, but we never have to crash.
This morning, I noticed my eyes weren’t dark anymore. When did they stop being dark? I could hear birds singing outside. But birds have always sang in the morning. Why didn’t I hear them before now? It must be the same song they’ve always sang, but I was hearing it for the first time. I woke up bright and mellow. When did laying in bed wondering how I was going to get through the day STOP being a thing? And when did I start smiling again?
I’m still broken, but not lost. I’m still sad, but I’m pretty happy, too. I know I’m loved, and I’m okay with that. I’m definitely okay with that.
I’m okay… When the hell did that happen?